so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
She just used a chaser for red wine.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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