i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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