I never want to see another naked old woman again.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
