i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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