And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
