Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize