Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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