Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
