I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
