My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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