I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
