So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Found your dick twin last night
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
i believe in u and ur pee
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
