I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
