so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
