I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
