I'm jealous of your bromance
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize