My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
