Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
