Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
