well I can't set my house on fire every night
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
