The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
