Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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