i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Success! We fucked roommates!
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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