Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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