Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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