you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
