he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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