I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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