Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
