so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
