perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
