My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
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