brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
