I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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