Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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