in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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