I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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