Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize