That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
