I'm jealous of your bromance
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
