all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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