ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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