I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
