there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Do you still have your period?
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
