Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
