Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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