fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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