i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
