We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
