I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I got inside last night via doggy door
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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