Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
